Everywhere I look, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people waiting to help a certain segment of the frum population. Websites, newspapers, and magazines are filled to the brim with ideas, suggestions, even accusations and figer-wagging against those who won’t this demographic enough.
But for me and all of my friends who sit in the same boat as this particular population, there’s not a word to be heard. If we try to raise our voices, we are silenced and pushed to the side.
If you haven’t yet grasped what I’m talking about, it’s the shidduch crisis. There are far too many girls who are not getting married, with their struggles attributed to the infamous “age gap” – the unproven, yet possibly accurate (I’m not taking a side), perspective that there are too many girls on the market and not enough boys to meet the demand.
In response, we have suggestions that run the gamut and letters to the editors of every Jewish publication demanding that every no-brained nobody’s opinion on the matter should be aired.
But in all of this tumult, I’ve been forgotten. I am an “older” single boy. I don’t want to be single and I’m not picky. But I have not yet met my bashert, despite years of trying. And it’s not just me. Lakewood is filled with apartments occupied by older single boys, all of them hoping, waiting to meet their partner in life.
When I first began dating at 22, the suggestions came in hot and heavy. Now, I wouldn’t even call them a trickle. Shadchanim are more than willing to chew my ear off about what I “have to do” to get married (the variety of those opinions are as wide as the ocean), but they rarely have any suggestions to make.
My friends suffer from the same reality. Where are all the girls? I’m told that there are hundreds of girls who are waiting for date. Why aren’t they being redd to us? When I speak to shadchanim, some hint that people think that if a boy is older, then it means he is weird or mentally unstable. Perhaps I’m weird and mentally unstable (I don’t think I am, but I can’t judge), but are the hundreds and hundreds of boys waiting for a shidduch all weird and unstable?
Why isn’t there more attention being placed on us older single boys? The answer, I believe, is because it doesn’t fit the narrative. The accepted narrative is that girls are being destroyed by the yeshiva system, which leads boys to only start dating when they are in their low 20s, whereas girls begin dating at 18 or 19. But the amount of boys that are single flies in the face of that, so instead of dealing with it, we are ignored.
I’m not asking anyone to ignore the plight of single girls. It should and must be dealt with. But so should the growing issue of older single boys. Can’t you walk and chew gum at the same time?
Do you have a solution or just more complaints?
I think he mentioned it somewhere before your rather unkind comment…
He said “why dont we redt these older girls to all the older boys”.
Seems like a pretty simple thing….
A PSA for all single men – adopt a shadchan is a huge network of shadchanim who are waiting to hear from you. They try to set up yeshivish, strictly frum/but not yeshivish, heimish, modern yeshivish, and chassidish couples. There is definitely a huge discrepancy between the amount of women to the amount of men signed up, men being a minority there. It’s an easy, free sign up at AdoptaShadchan.com and the only people who get your resumes are a heavily vetted group of shadchanim , some with many years of experience ( 15 years for me with B”H several marriages) who are required to sign that they won’t share their password access with anyone and a host of other privacy rules. After your profile is filled out, you will have many ideas coming at you every week, so try it and brace yourself!
To the author, Break out of the twisted Lakewood bubble! There are networks of shadchanim that specifically only work with older singles/divorcees. If you reply with your email or something I can forward you some info of people who actually help those in your situation and who’s goal isn’t to create another brainwashed generation.
“twisted lakewood bubble”
Not sure where your derision is stemming from, but if I had to venture i’d say nowhere smart.
Probably like the fellow i met, who lives upstate, who chewed my ear off about lakewood. Fun fact, I moved here for employment opportunities and am very happy with the community, and extremely proud of the amount of B’nei torah and especially Lomdei Torah here. The “system” while certainly not without flaws, does wonders for the majority of the population.
Please dont let your perceived grievance mar your outlook, or your decency.